I am angry and confused

This year has been one of the most difficult years in my life in regards to faith. A little over a year ago when I decided to stop trying to plan and control my life and let God write my story, things just got well plain crazy.

Now here I sit again completely confused and angry about what God is doing in my life.  I am angry at what I saw. Those faces I can't forget the girls who's faces haunt me at night and make me want to kiss the computer screen when I see their pictures. My life here is like another world and I am angry about that. I want to get lost in this life of working and raising my kids, living the American dream. Lost so I don't have to remember all those that I now love on the other side of the world. I want to remember because how dare I ever forget! I want to remember cause I do not understand why that is not me! Why do I have food and a house and a life full of more things then I could ever need? I am angry because I don't know what to do and I so want God to show me. It's hard to be still and wait on the Lord. I know he took us there for a reason. It has broken me in ways I can never put to words. It has totally taken me and shook me to the core. It has left me confused and angry at everything I know and love.

But most of all it has forced me to lean hard into God and trust him by faith that he has a plan for everything and everyone and that in good time he will show me what that plan is. I need now only be still and wait on him and now I say Lord in Faith I step out. I do not know where I am going or what I am doing but I know you know what you are doing and it is beyond my wildest imagination! 

Prayer

Prayer seems like it should really be such a simple thing yet after so many years of being a Christian it can still feel so foreign to me. I want to pray without ceasing yet so often I cease. I want to be a prayer warrior but instead I just worry. I want to seek God and his will yet I ask for advice from everyone but him. It's obvious now more then ever that during this time of going deeper I need to spend much more time in prayer and digging into God's word. Those two things weave into each other and help create a deeper relationship with our savior. So that's why when I saw She Reads Truth was doing the you version prayer plan I decided to jump on board. Where better to learn about prayer then to read what the word of God says about it. After all no one knows better how to speak to God then his own son. 

Going Deeper

Today was day one of my 40 day fast from FB.

While we were in Ethiopia we went to Beza International Church and the pastor spoke on going deeper. He talked about in order to go deeper we need to give things up and that it would cost us but that our reward would be to go deeper with Jesus. I need that. After our trip to ET I feel more then ever lost in this life I am living of the American dream and really need some clear direction from God as to what our next step should be. I need to go deeper. I need to recklessly abandon all things that are holding me back so I can be closer to my God.

FB is a huge time waster for me and really just a mind number. It's an place to complain and an excuse to brag.  I though about doing a month but then I felt like God said 40 days. So here we go. Maybe FB is something big to you and giving up would be easy but let me know tell you in the past year I have fasted twice from FB and both times it was only for a week and that was difficult. I just need to stop letting little meaningless things stand in my way. Time to go deeper and stop living in shallow waters!