Sunday, July 22, 2012

I am angry and confused

This year has been one of the most difficult years in my life in regards to faith. A little over a year ago when I decided to stop trying to plan and control my life and let God write my story, things just got well plain crazy.

Now here I sit again completely confused and angry about what God is doing in my life.  I am angry at what I saw. Those faces I can't forget the girls who's faces haunt me at night and make me want to kiss the computer screen when I see their pictures. My life here is like another world and I am angry about that. I want to get lost in this life of working and raising my kids, living the American dream. Lost so I don't have to remember all those that I now love on the other side of the world. I want to remember because how dare I ever forget! I want to remember cause I do not understand why that is not me! Why do I have food and a house and a life full of more things then I could ever need? I am angry because I don't know what to do and I so want God to show me. It's hard to be still and wait on the Lord. I know he took us there for a reason. It has broken me in ways I can never put to words. It has totally taken me and shook me to the core. It has left me confused and angry at everything I know and love.

But most of all it has forced me to lean hard into God and trust him by faith that he has a plan for everything and everyone and that in good time he will show me what that plan is. I need now only be still and wait on him and now I say Lord in Faith I step out. I do not know where I am going or what I am doing but I know you know what you are doing and it is beyond my wildest imagination! 

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